yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
