I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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