Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
