My liver just broke up with me...
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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