I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
