3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
