Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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