I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just invented taco cereal.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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