She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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