Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
