dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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