I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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