i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
