how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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