So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
