I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I supernannyed him into submission
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
