I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
