It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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