hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
