dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
