I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
