Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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