You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
why do cheetos always look like penises
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
