Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
