she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
