she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
