Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
