I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
