I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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