We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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