I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
