yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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