If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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