So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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