people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
