My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
