After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
