oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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