hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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