Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
