im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
