i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
