Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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