They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
