i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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