Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
