do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
cat food counts as protein by the way
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
