My sheets look like a crime scene.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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