My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
