We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
